Watching BAD Horror Movies and LMAO!
12 must-sees are just what we need right now during quarantine
Bad horror movies have become my newfound respite through hard times. People, these are hard times. We are sequestered while the world is shuddering, in close quarters with people we don’t like, running out of creative outlets, surprised and disheartened we did not inherit the Masters painting gene that we thought only needed time to be awakened. After four arduous weeks, it still lies dormant along with our paint-by-numbers skill set. And we threw away the unopened scrapbooking paraphernalia from 2004.
We’ve watched every series on every streaming service. We’ve Zoomed and reconnected with everyone from each corner of the earth, cleaned crevices with toothbrushes, and reorganized so much, we may never locate those items again. We’ve sourced out thousands of delivery services and attempted to read all those summer novels we never touched. We’ve hoarded toilet tissue; cried over homeschooling, donned chef’s hats believing that we deserve that accolade, and walked our dogs until they told us “No. You sit”, all the while not knowing what day it is.
Fret no more! The Zombie Apocalypse pales in comparison to our reality! It’s time to switch from your virtual tours of exotic locations, toss in your microwave popcorn and let the viewing begin!
*My first disclaimer: I hate horror movies. I run from them as if the Blob itself is chasing me within an inch of my life. I don’t like to be scared. I hate nightmares. I hate (real) blood, guts and gore and I cannot un-see the images.
*My second disclaimer: I love RIDICULOUS horror movies. The plots are preposterous; the characters are motherfuckingstupid (cue hot dumb friends dividing in the darkness who constantly trip and fall armed with, well nothing, to fend off a serial killer) and the special effects are so brilliantly bad, grotesquely outrageous that I am guffawing over the carnage.
*My third disclaimer: I will never watch a clown horror movie. Like ever.
Here is my list of the absurd, the ridiculous, and the outright hysterical BAD HORROR MOVIES:
- Night of the Lepus
They’re cute! They’re cuddly! They’re out for revenge! Rancher Cole Hillman enlists researchers to help deal with his rabbit overpopulation on his property. But the chemicals they use to alter their breeding, produce giant ANGRY mutant bunnies that start killing ever human in sight. Note: They’re still…cute.
2. Attack of the Killer Donuts
Seems bad luck happens in sleepy towns. Chemicals (what’s up with the chemicals) are accidentally dumped into a donut fryer at a local diner turning ordinary donuts into flesh-eating pastries that take revenge on the patrons. Don’t miss their fantastic jumping abilities and sharp teeth. It’s not only the caloric intake that’s deadly.
3. Troll 2
(Don’t mistake this for “Trolls 2”, also scary) When your dead grandfather warns you not to move to Nilbog (goblin spelled backwards) because vegetarian goblins want to mutate you and turn you into plants so they can eat you, you should listen. Sadly Joshua did not. This epically awful film (which is not a sequel btw) is one of the best worst movies ever made.
4. Dead and Breakfast
A homemade good ol’ fashioned Zombie thriller. Six friends on their way to a wedding make a wrong turn and end up in LoveLock. They check into a bed and breakfast and before long, zombies are among them. It’s an all-you-can-eat redneck horror flick, complete with country music. Three words: Zombie Line Dance
5. Maximum Overdrive
Based on the short story “Trucks” by Stephen King, (and his first time directing) a comet creates a radiation storm that causes all machines (toasters, pinball, you name it) to come to life and turn against their makers. The Dixie Boy truck stop becomes a lethal battleground where trucks shoot (yup) and run over the humans. A prisoner on parole/cook, Bill Robinson,(Emilio Estevez) organizes survivors to plan an attack on the genocidal tractor-trailers. Another reason to rethink self-driving vehicles.
6. The Stuff
It’s low-calorie! It’s delicious! But don’t be fooled by the packaging. It’s also deadly! The creamy substance oozes from the earth (first clue). Colonel Spears (Paul Sorvino) teams up with an ice cream maker to turn this gooey substance into a best-selling dessert. Problems arise when those who eat it get addicted, then turn into zombies, reminding us that too much of a good thing is well, bad.
7. Killer Condom
The title says it all. Only in this German horror caper that takes place in New York, practicing safe sex can kill! Detective Macaroni is sent to find out why men’s private parts are being bitten off in Hotel Quickie. Ouch. These carnivorous prophylactics are not to be missed. (It’s even better without the subtitles).
When a genetic scientist Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts) creates a half Great
White shark, half octopus for the military as a super weapon, its controls get damaged and it goes on a killing rampage in sunny Mexico. A hotshot team sets out to destroy the eight-tentacled hybrid in this Roger Corman directed SyFy. Babes in bikinis are unsuspecting prey (shock) and the oh-so-bad special effects make this a must-see. Note: It ain’t JAWS people. It’s way way more.
9. Evil Bong
As the trailer quotes: “If you get high, you die.” College stoners buy a possessed bong -EeBee-(get it…?) that sends them into a mind-tripping nightclub with evil forces including deadly dancers and mauling bras with a special cameo by Tommy Chong. The message: Seriously kids, drugs are bad. Very bad.
10. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
When a terrible onslaught of man-eating, vicious tomatoes attack America, a crack team of government officials get involved. Lives are smattered! It’s campy! It’s messy! It’s lycopene mayhem! (Cue the catchy theme song) Note: Don’t forget to read the smashing behind-the-scenes fun facts.
Girls just wanna have fun. Three college girls head to a cabin on the river. First, their boyfriends crash the vacation. Then, a scary hunter shows up. Then, a hungry bear scares them. But it’s the bloodthirsty Zombeavers that put a real dam-per on these kids’ fun. Note: Any play on words you’re thinking has already been done.
Don’t underestimate a scorned leprechaun. Fun Fact: This is Jennifer Aniston’s film debut (pre-Friends). When a gnarly leprechaun has been seeking revenge for SIX centuries for the one who stole his gold coins, step outta the way! When Tori Reding (Aniston)and her friends accidentally open his hidden crate, he goes on a murderous spree in search of his lucky charms. It’s weird! It’s awkward! Note: Don’t miss the four-leaf clover murder scene.
You can’t make this stuff up. Thank goodness someone else did.